Profits ZOAR at Almost The News

As regular readers here know, we have been experiencing UNPRECEDENTED PROFIT GROWTH, profit that makes Google seem like a light weight. I know we were only talking nickles and dimes, but the percentage jumps were HUGE! Our new goal was to see those nickles and dimes turned into QUARTERS! Such a feat would be continued profit growth equal to about 400 PERCENT! Think of it, if we could push our meager earnings up to just FIFTY CENTS since our last discussion on profits, we would have seen a 400 PERCENT jump in profits in the past two weeks! Donald Trump would be sending his limo up here to Peekskill New York to bring me into THE CITY for lunch...we are talking MONSTER GROWTH.

Well, Donald Trump had best be sending his JET, or at the very least inviting me to be on his hit TV Show, "The Apprentice". I mean just my mentioning him and his show here on this blog is and endorsement of MASSIVE PROPORTIONS...forget Tiger Woods, the Porgie has just given the Donald a plug! Anyway, back to profits discussions. Forget quarters here folks, and forget that 400 percent GROWTH...we are talking record shattering performance here, profit growth never before seen in the entire history of MANKIND! We here at Almost The News have just approved an Ad Sense campaign that gives us profit growth of over TEN THOUSAND PERCENT! We have jumped past quarters, no fifty cent pieces, but serious real DOLLAR BILLS, and not just singles either! We have fives, tens, even a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL! MY GAWD, we have enough to BUY BEER AND FREAKING PIZZA!

IF this keeps up, we may be able to attract the quality players to this blog...that's right, I AM TALKING PABST BLUE RIBBON BEER as an advertiser, or imagine, could it be that BUDWEISER (My home town brew) would put and ad on our site...imagine that, a Budweiser LINK! Their Banner right there for all the world to see! Godiva, I have got to have Godiva! Imagine CRAFTSMAN...I could get some free POWER TOOLS, be just like Tim The Toolman! I'd give a free BANNER FOR LIFE to Tesla Motors if they could toss me one of their Roadsters...convertible only though! Martha Stewart, she's doing houses NOW...I could move out of my refrigerator BOX into a real HOME! She gets a BANNER AD, I get one of those homes she has built by someone else with her name on them! I'd not keep it though, would sell the home, and fulfill my dream of owning a DOUBLE WIDE in a first rate trailer park!

QUICK...CALL THE WALL STREET JOURNAL...The New You Tube is here!

OMFG! (Can I say that on here?)

Anyway, lets get to this NEWS FLASH!

For the regular followers of "Almost The News"...I think we have two...monumental news was reported last week when our blog went into the BLACK profit wise. Now, I know some of you were skeptics, not overly impressed with our bottom line profits from our Ad Sense program. You missed the point of the post, the fact of the matter was, we were/are in the BLACK. OK, I admit it was not that big of a feat, but you take your wins where you can get them.

Well NAYSAYERS, put on your dancing shoes, someone call the Wall Street Journal, as this time around, BIG NEWS. In one week, "Almost The News" has seen a unprecedented 1900 percent JUMP IN PROFITS! We are no longer talking pennies here, or in the case of last week, ONE PENNY. NO WAY, we are talking BIG TIME here, the real McCoy...we are up to nickles and dimes folks! That's right, our total profits are up to TWENTY CENTS! This doesn't seem like much UNLESS you look at it in percentages, but as a percentage, this is larger than the new James Bond Movie, bigger than the TomKat wedding, even bigger than that time I thought I had got my finger slammed in the car door, but found out I was wrong....BOY, that was a big relief that day.

So, don't focus in on the 20 cents, that's not news worthy...instead, I want press releases all over the world announcing our blog's 1900 percent jump in PROFITS! Get out the wine, it's time to PARTY. By the way READERS...yes, talking to the two of you....start clicking on our advertisers, say hello to them....better YET, buy something. Today it's nickles and dimes, but tomorrow it's QUARTERS BABY.

Advertisers and investors, where are you? The lines are open. Tiffany, call me, and Godiva you know I love you babes, so send me some chocolates. Tesla Motors, that is a great electric car you have, lets talk! Bergdorf's!... got to have BERGIE on my blog.